This has been the question this week. My new husband has been my therapist lately, trying to help me figure out why I have so many fears of everything. He’s forcing me to really look at WHY I am feeling this way and not just accept it fact.
I’m scared to fly.
I’m scared of getting into a car accident.
I’m scared of heights.
I’m scared of new situations.
I’m scared of…well it feels like EVERYTHING!
But why? That is the question. I’m trying to take control of my life. I’m trying to take back control I should say. i wasn’t always like this.
I don’t like the feeling of being scared of everything. It’s not fun. Everytime I annoy my husband or sisters or brother-in-law or my parents by cringing or doing the air brake in the passenger seat of their car and they yell at me, I ask, ‘do you think this is fun for me? I don’t WANT to feel like I have to do the air brake!’ it is definitely not a fun way to feel….and the worst part is, i didn’t always feel this way. these are fears that have developed over time. and i intend to put a stop to them once and for all.
admire my resolve? ha…its fake. but sometimes i feel like mind over matter can be very powerful, so i’m going with it.
today we were going to help out at a church function and my insecurities started to come out. on our way there, i got nervous and i started to snip at my husband. i felt bad and apologized, recognizing that it was my own issue deep down and nothing that he had done. When I told him, ‘i’m just not good at this kind of stuff. i’m insecure around new people.’ he asked me, ‘ya, but why?’
‘I don’t know. I’m just not.’
‘but you didn’t answer my question. why?’
Good question. I didn’t have a good answer. because i’m not good at paying attention to small details. because i’m afraid i’m going to screw it up and not do something the right way. because i might screw something up and someone will have to do it over. because i might have no one to talk to and feel stupid. I had a million thoughts running through my head…and they were all based on insecurities and what ifs, but not on facts or realities. Somehow just thinking about how silly my insecurites really are can be really helpful.
So what if i miss a detail or don’t do something the way they wanted it? so somebody goes back over and does it the way they want it done. SO WHAT?
so what if i am standing there with nobody to talk to? is it the end of the world? no…and more times than not, that doesn’t happen anyway. But even if it did, who cares?
On our way home today, we were both feeling great and it showed. We often talk about the way we want to do things when we have children…and it came up again in the car. We were talking about how great it felt setting up for the Knights of Columbus event and how the men make you feel incredibly competent, regardless of the task. At one point, I was putting toothpicks in pieces of fruit and one of the men in charge kept coming by and telling me what a great job I was doing and how great the display looked. Then I arranged the watermelon fruit bowls on the center tables surrounded by some extra grapes, bananas, and pineapple tops for decoration. They weren’t totally symmetrical and placed somewhat askew and someone could have totally walked over and rearranged it to make it “perfect”. but they didn’t. they left it the way i had put it out and again told me how great it looked. realizing how amazing those words had made me feel and how nice it felt to not have someone go back over my work to “fix” it, I reflected with Joe on how we should be as parents.
we need to make sure that our kids have confidence to do things their way. and even if they do something and it is not perfect, to not feel the urge to go back over it to fix it. otherwise, they grow up feeling very insecure of their own abilities…and i, for one, can attest to how difficult it can be going through life not believing in yourself. and if a kid tries something and it doesn’t come out the way it was supposed to, they learn more from that experience.
having the cookies come out tasting like crap somehow leaves a much stronger impression than correcting each step as the child goes along…right? even if it does waste a few ingredients 🙂