Okay, so I am posting this from school quickly during a break.
I’ve been doing great the last two days on my dieting and even exercised last night. Feeling good.
So today, I walk through the faculty lounge and there is a giant baby bottle full of pink gummy bears for a woman whose first granddaughter was just born this week. So I say, ahhh, I’ll just take a couple. Take 2, walk away. Done and over with.
I head back to my classroom. Sit down and start to work. What is my mind focused on? Going back and getting more gummy bears. It is literally all I can think about until I do it. So I tell my assistant that I’ll be right back, I just want to make a quick copy and go sneak back for more. Only this time, I know how badly I am craving them so there’s no way I can just sneak 2! So I grab a whole handful and squish them in my hand and start munching away as I head back to my classroom.
I sit down, chowing down on gummy bears (which by the way, don’t even taste that good. Who the hell wants pink-flavored gummy bears? I prefer chocolate any day, thank you) and the oooooooonly thing my mind can focus on is that I’ve run out and need more of them. I DON’T EVEN LIKE THE TASTE OF THEM. But the taste is gone from my mouth and I need it back.
So, this time, I don’t even make an excuse for where I am going. I just go. And this time, I get an even bigger handful of them than before. As I’m walking back to my classroom, I am muttering to myself under my breath the whole time…why are you doing this? you don’t even like them. stop yourself now before it gets any worse. why can’t you stop? you HAVE to be able to stop yourself! right???
They are gone within 5 minutes…and it only took me that long because I was trying not to eat them in front of other people. Otherwise it would’ve taken me only 2 minutes to eat them all.
So now, here I sit. On my break. and instead of going to get my celery and laughing cow cheese like i should, that i brought to keep myself on track and make sure that i had something healthy around so i wouldn’t cheat, I am mourning the loss of my good day. because i’ve ruined it. ugh.
why do i do this? why, when i don’t like what i am eating, can i not stop myself? that is the part i don’t get. i sorta get (not really, but sorta) why i can’t stop when it is the sprinkles cupcakes i am eating because they are that good. but something that i don’t like the taste of, as i am eating it…now, that i don’t get.
so…my goal for myself today, now that i have tried to work through this via the blog, is to not let that ruin me. that tractor beam that i feel pulling me from my seat in my classroom all the way to the faculty lounge is so strong, but i will be stronger.
today i will be stronger.