What the hell??

Okay, so I am posting this from school quickly during a break.

 

I’ve been doing great the last two days on my dieting and even exercised last night. Feeling good.

 

So today, I walk through the faculty lounge and there is a giant baby bottle full of pink gummy bears for a woman whose first granddaughter was just born this week. So I say, ahhh, I’ll just take a couple. Take 2, walk away. Done and over with.

 

I head back to my classroom. Sit down and start to work. What is my mind focused on? Going back and getting more gummy bears. It is literally all I can think about until I do it. So I tell my assistant that I’ll be right back, I just want to make a quick copy and go sneak back for more. Only this time, I know how badly I am craving them so there’s no way I can just sneak 2! So I grab a whole handful and squish them in my hand and start munching away as I head back to my classroom.

 

I sit down, chowing down on gummy bears (which by the way, don’t even taste that good. Who the hell wants pink-flavored gummy bears? I prefer chocolate any day, thank you) and the oooooooonly thing my mind can focus on is that I’ve run out and need more of them. I DON’T EVEN LIKE THE TASTE OF THEM. But the taste is gone from my mouth and I need it back.

 

So, this time, I don’t even make an excuse for where I am going. I just go. And this time, I get an even bigger handful of them than before. As I’m walking back to my classroom, I am muttering to myself under my breath the whole time…why are you doing this? you don’t even like them. stop yourself now before it gets any worse. why can’t you stop? you HAVE to be able to stop yourself! right???

They are gone within 5 minutes…and it only took me that long because I was trying not to eat them in front of other people. Otherwise it would’ve taken me only 2 minutes to eat them all.

 

So now, here I sit. On my break. and instead of going to get my celery and laughing cow cheese like i should, that i brought to keep myself on track and make sure that i had something healthy around so i wouldn’t cheat, I am mourning the loss of my good day. because i’ve ruined it. ugh.

 

why do i do this? why, when i don’t like what i am eating, can i not stop myself? that is the part i don’t get. i sorta get (not really, but sorta) why i can’t stop when it is the sprinkles cupcakes i am eating because they are that good. but something that i don’t like the taste of, as i am eating it…now, that i don’t get.

 

 

so…my goal for myself today, now that i have tried to work through this via the blog, is to not let that ruin me. that tractor beam that i feel pulling me from my seat in my classroom all the way to the faculty lounge is so strong, but i will be stronger.

 

today i will be stronger.

Advertisements

4 Comments

Filed under Uncategorized

4 responses to “What the hell??

  1. Angela

    I know this wasn’t meant to be funny, but I couldn’t stop laughing. The title, of course, reeled me in. Then as soon as I saw it was about candy I was in constant giggle mode until the end.

    I am a silver lining girl, so I try to think like this: lesson learned, next time don’t even take ONE, and thank God it wasn’t chocolate.

  2. amybart

    Haha…I do find it amusing to read going back now…and as far as the “don’t take even one” theory goes, you are right…as soon as I taste something I am done…but do you ever feel jealous that others are able to JUST HAVE ONE??? I am like that with alcohol, too…totally jealous that I am incapable of just having one drink (or one gummy bear) without overindulging to the point of disaster…like, why can’t I just be normal?

    But you’re right…thank GOD it wasn’t chocolate…although I will say I TOTALLY avoided the bag of Halloween candy that someone left in the faculty lounge last week that taunted me every time I went to pee. So you’re right…haha…lesson learned.

  3. I wrote a blog entry about you today.

  4. Pingback: Amy versus the Banana Bread Muffins | Conquering Self

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s