I’m not sure how many times I can have a meltdown and start over again…but here I am.
Just as an update, I have been doing really well with my “be healthy for my daughter” campaign. Since she has been born, I have made it through holidays, birthdays, parties, etc…all while continuing to make healthy choices.
Lately, however, I found myself floundering a bit.
And by ‘a bit’, I mean a lot.
I have been getting into the sneaking and hiding of food again. I hide it from my husband. I’m not sure why since I tell him EVERYTHING. I know as I’m sneaking it behind his back or when he’s at work or when he’s in another room giving our daughter a bath that I will tell him. Yet I still sneak.
I know, it makes no sense.
You might say, keep the bad food out of your house so you are not tempted. I would agree that is an invaluable strategy. I would be a mess if my husband were the type to keep cookies, ice cream and so on in our home. And he doesn’t. So I am lucky there. However, I am the MacGuyver of sneaking bad food even when it would appear to normal humans that no such bad food exists.
Do you have Bisquick in your cupboard? I will literally mix plain bisquick mix with milk in a bowl and eat it raw. Who does that? It’s not cookie dough! But I always pick at the biscuit dough when I make biscuits so in my head I guess I figure why not?
How about butter and brown sugar? Standard beginning to chocolate chip cookies. Taste good when I lick my fingers making cookies so why not just mix those 2 together for fun? Yup, I’ve done it.
Frozen pie dough. Back during thanksgiving, I made pies to go to a friend’s house. I was not eating pie so when I had made extra crust I actually put it in my freezer and froze it. Yesterday I took it out, thawed it, mixed it with some sugar apples and baked it. Gross.
Do not be fooled and go make these yourself if you are looking for a cheat. They are gross. They are not satisfying. They just make you feel like crap.
Okay, so I guess I’m no MacGuyver if they don’t even taste that good.
In addition, as I’m doing it, I am telling myself this isn’t good for me and I will feed bad about it when I’m done. I’m telling myself to stop.
And I do. But I don’t.
Last night, during another lengthy discussion with my therapist husband (director of sales/salesman by day, miracle counselor by night), we came down to these conclusions:
1) I care WAAAAY too much what other people think of me. Even my husband. That is why I sneak food and hide what I eat from others, even though it has no bearing on them and only hurts me. I am working on making decisions based on what is good for me.
2) My low self esteem and lack of self confidence continues to haunt me. For some reason, I tell myself that I am not good enough and don’t deserve the happiness that eating well and living right will bring me. I punish myself by sabotaging my success.
3) I usually self sabotage as a “test” of sorts when I am doing particularly well with eating healthy. It’s as if I say to myself, “Oh ya? You think you are strong? Let’s see about that.” And there is no way to pass that test.
So now that we came up with these conclusions, what am I doing about it?
Well I actually do have a pretty good plan right now and feel like I’ve got a fighting chance. Back when I originally lost all of my weight, I used to do nightly prayers that covered all of the things I was grateful for and all of the things I was asking for God’s help with. I was very specific and I said these prayers every single night for at least the first year. I truly believe these prayers and affirmations were what got me through.
So I am asking for God’s help again.
*Please God give me strength to not worry about what others think of me.
*Please God give me strength to allow my opinion of myself to come from me and not from others.
*Please help me to gain self confidence.
And thanking him for the blessings in my life, big and small:
*Thank you for the knowledge of good health and will power that has led to a healthier me and that allows me to be a better example for my daughter.
*Thank you for the strength and will power to make healthy choices for myself and my family for ____ days.
*Thank you for showing me that I can take control of my life.
These, along with all of my other prayers, are written down in a notebook. I have a list of prayers, a list of things I’m thanking God for and a list of things I am asking forgiveness for. Those are my three “Everyday Lists”…the standards. Then I also have a prayer list of people/things that need God at this time. This list will be ever-changing as prayers are answered or are no longer needed. I find it so hard to remember to take time to pray and often say I will pray for something and then forget. I don’t want to do that anymore. Having a prayer list ensures that the things I need to pray for will not be forgotten.
I have been needing to get my life back on track in a couple of different ways. I am feeling confident and strong that I am capable of doing it today.
Thank you God for allowing me to get through today making good choices for my life!
One day at a time…