The high has begun to wear off a bit (I think I am still glowing, but it has decreased in intensity some for sure)…and I have had some time to really sit back and reflect on my half marathon experience.
It still feels a little bit surreal to me…I think because it was different than what I had expected.
I expected to be super nervous…and I was actually super relaxed (slept like a baby the night before!).
I expected to dread the running/hard work part…and I found myself actually having a ton of fun as I ran.
I expected to be dragging by mile 10 and hating life by mile 12…and I actually was able to log 2 of my fastest miles of the race at the end.
I expected to feel super proud and accomplished…and I was actually pretty unimpressed with myself.
I am not trying to knock myself…
but as I reread what I just wrote, I realize that last line certainly sounds that way. Hmmm.
Numerous times this weekend, I found myself correcting people to make sure they knew I wasn’t running the marathon but rather just the half marathon.
Some girl at the frozen yogurt place saw me wearing my shirt and asked me, “Did you run the OC marathon?” and instead of just proudly saying, “Yes, I ran the half marathon,” I had to make sure that she knew, “No, I didn’t. I just did the half.”
Then there was the receptionist at Massage Envy who, when I told her I wanted the discounted rate for people who had run the OC half marathon, jumped in and said, “You ran the marathon? Nice!” and I felt just a little bit of shame that again, I had to correct her and say, “No, just the half.”
Then there was the shirt buying incident at the expo when I told the man that I felt like an imposter sporting an OC Marathon shirt.
Oh and I forgot! The day of the race, when I posted that I was starting my run on facebook (using the Nike+ app), my fumbling fingers accidentally hit my goal distance as “Marathon” instead of the half marathon. I didn’t realize my mistake until I was done and I was mortified that people were going to think I was running a marathon…only to find out I’d done half that. I even posted my correction on the status update:
It is funny how I didn’t realize at the time how negative about myself I was being. I’ve been training for the half marathon for 2 months and posted numerous status updates related to it. I’m sure everyone knew what I meant. And even if they didn’t, who cares?
I’m not sure why I tend to downplay everything so much.
Joe (that incredibly handsome and supportive husband of mine) has asked me numerous times, “Do you realize what a big deal this is? That you ran a half marathon? I’m not sure you are grasping this.”
And almost every time it’s come up, I just shrug and say, “Not really. It doesn’t feel like that big of a deal.”
As I do self reflection today, I’m thinking about how this is connected to one of my biggest issues – constantly comparing myself to others.
When I was teaching, regardless of how well my students were doing or how creative my lessons were, I always could find another teacher who was going way more above and beyond (usually I’d find evidence of this somewhere on the internet cause of course she’d have some professional looking website of all of her creative projects she’d done with her students).
When I was super overweight, I always compared my personality to other people because that was supposed to be my strong suit of course (you know the whole, “Amy’s the nice one with the pretty face!” comment that you get when you are the fat sister/friend/niece/etc.). I never felt like I was funny or interesting enough to hold that title.
When I lost all the weight, I compared myself to other thin girls…and of course I was appalled that I still had so many flaws. All the extra skin, the big thighs, the flat chest…you name it. I couldn’t believe that losing the weight hadn’t made me look like them.
And here I thought I had successfully
conquered been working on overcoming this problem…
this never being good enough thing.
Cutting out the negative self talk as much as possible.
Building up my self confidence by getting involved in more social groups.
But here I find myself back again.
Unable to be proud of myself for running a freaking half marathon…
JUST BECAUSE IT WASN’T THE FULL MARATHON.
What is wrong with me?
Two months ago, I was struggling running 2 miles!!
Starting right now, I’m not going to downplay it anymore.
I’m going to just be proud of it and acknowledge my accomplishment.
Okay, I have a question for anyone who may know the answer 🙂
All week last week, I was weighing in around 149-150 and super happy about it. I let myself not count calories for TWO days…the day before the race and the day of the race.
I did however, continue to make healthy choices for myself over the weekend.
I didn’t go crazy and use the half as an excuse to splurge on food that is bad for my body. My post race meal was a healthy turkey 6 inch sub from subway. My dinner was an appetizer of hummus and cucumber/tomato slices and a bbq chicken salad (where I asked for the cheese and ranch dressing on the side and barely used them at all).
I know I had extra calories on Saturday for sure since I had a pasta meal with garlic bread. But, I even tried to make it as healthy as possible. I didn’t even eat my whole bowl of pasta (my hubs had to finish it) and I used light butter on the low calorie sourdough bread.
Like I said, more calories than my normal 1200 a day, but still within reason and still not things that were bad for my body.
The last couple of days, I have been weighing in around 154-155.
My question is: why the weight gain?
I’m sure it has to do with the race and and I’m sure that now that I’m back to counting calories (since yesterday) it will go back to normal within a couple of days.
I’m trying not to let it bother me, but let’s be honest…
it doesn’t make most of us smile to see a 4 – 5 pound weight gain on the scale.
Unrelated sidenote- My current food obsession – blueberries!
I’ve never been a huge fan, but for some reason lately they taste like candy to me!
I’ve been trying to incorporate some variety into my breakfast routine lately and so this is my current favorite new combo:
All this yummy-ness for about 200 calories:
Okay, off to enjoy a beautiful sunny California day!!
Have a great day everyone!