This is a post I had started writing yesterday…and completed today. You’ll see why this explanation is necessary in just a minute:
I planned on writing part two of my Love Goggles story today,
but as I sit here typing,
after I just completely binged on 1, then 2, then eventually 6 pieces of toast (made with light butter and my mom’s homemade raspberry jam) in my too full tummy, I fear as though I have another story to address.
It snuck up on me this time.
I was on a high. I had lost 50 pounds since giving birth…the last 15 coming off in just the past 8 weeks.
I had unexpectedly started running and ended up running a half marathon in just 8 weeks (a goal that had never once been on my radar).
I started making some new friends in my Moms Group and getting Caleigh into some fun playdates.
I had a great birthday and was super spoiled by my family and my husband.
I was on a high.
But at the same time, and somewhat under the radar,
I also had a falling out with one of my good friends.
All that good…and the one bad thing in my life seems to take over.
I started relaxing the calorie counting.
I stopped being mindful.
I stopped saying my daily prayers asking for some help with my struggle.
I’ve been baking again (“healthy” cookies, but when the batch is gone the next day, I don’t think that matters).
I’ve been planning ahead for the birthday cake I’m going to make for my daughter’s first birthday in TWO MONTHS and had decided to make a test cake this week just to practice. Ya right.
I was going to make cookies as a thank you for two friends, even though my husband and I planned on giving them both a plant.
And down I fall.
It’s never one big thing.
Always a bunch of little things.
Adding up together.
To equal destruction.
And it is this whole friend situation that has thrown me for a loop.
I’ve gotten into arguments with friends in my life (usually when we were younger, not so much as adults), but even then, it was an argue-then-make-up-quickly scenario that was always over before it ever really started.
I am a leave-no-stone-unturned kind of gal, remember?
Not resolving something is not an option.
Except for this time.
We have NO IDEA WHAT WENT WRONG.
There was no fight.
There was no argument.
I’ve looked back over Facebook messages and all I see are sweet chit chat posts back and forth.
Invitations to hang out were turned down.
No happy birthday wishes posted on my Facebook wall.
The only thing I can think of that she could possibly be mad about
is that I didn’t go to her baby shower
but it was during the week we went to Myrtle Beach, 3000 miles away in South Carolina.
There was no way I could have. We had planned that vacation for a year.
We were meeting my entire family there.
That is a legit excuse, right?
There I go again, looking for reassurance that I’m not a terrible person.
I wrote her an email explaining how bummed I was to miss the shower and asking how the pregnancy was going, talking about great it is going to be to be a mom…basically being extremely friendly even though I knew she and her husband had been blowing us off as of late.
Her response? A week after I wrote her the message, I got this back:
“No worries. Have a good trip.”
My heart sank. I felt like she had made a definitive statement that she was not interested in talking to me since our normal tone was super fun and friendly with each other.
My husband, while amazing, doesn’t really understand why it upsets me so much.
He knows they are not good for us to be friends with for a variety of reasons that I will not go into.
He believes we only met them and became friends with them because that meeting introduced us to other couples that are a big part of our life now.
He tries to look on the bright side.
But this girl was one of my best friends in California. There were some things about her that bothered me, sure. But we could also talk about anything. I don’t have that kind of friendship with many people these days. My husband is my best friend and the only one I truly tell everything to. I don’t need girls to confide in about things, but it was nice to have someone I could be 100% myself with other than my husband.
Therein lies the problem.
I find someone that I think I can be 100% myself with and I am rejected.
I didn’t know that this happened with friends, definitely not at my age.
I thought once I got married I didn’t have to deal with social rejection anymore.
I was wrong.
Because, boy, does this sting.
Had there been a fight, I could say,
okay, she is not speaking to me because of __________
and just move on or talk to her about it.
But knowing that nothing happened just makes my mind wander.
What was it?
Enter the mind of an insecure person:
What did I do wrong?
Trust me, I have gone through EVERYTHING in my head to try and figure it out.
I assume it must be something I did and have spent the last couple of months trying to pinpoint what my flaws were…
What is wrong with me?
I try so hard not to sink back into this kind of mentality.
I have tried to consider the fact (and my husband’s 100% belief) that maybe she has her own issues that have nothing to do with me.
I still doubt me.
I hate this feeling.
I hate that she finally had her little girl last night
and I didn’t even know she was in labor until I read it on Facebook.
There won’t be a hospital visit like when they came to see us last summer,
there won’t be a visit with food to help out during their first week,
there won’t be any new baby/Caleigh meeting…
because we are not friends anymore.
This is not how I pictured it.
And it makes me sad.
And sadness equals looking for comfort and security elsewhere unfortunately.
I want to say writing this has given me clarity that will allow me to get right back on track and forget these little slip ups I’ve been having with eating healthy…
that my emotions don’t have to shape my decision making.
But I’m still not feeling strong yet…
and that scares me a little bit
because I didn’t see this coming.
Break in the story:
Last night, I had arranged a swimming lesson with a friend of mine. Joe stayed home with Caleigh…
and while I was gone, my husband opened up the computer and saw my draft of the post above on the screen.
When I got back, he had written this to me in response:
Hey just read your start to your blog post. I’m sorry baby! I’m sorry you feel insecure about _______(insert friend name here). Someone who was a friend to you when you didn’t have many out here. I know you want closure…but you really don’t need it. I think sometimes you focus way too much on the negative in order to continue your trend of self sabatoge!!
I can remember way back when u would diet & then all of a sudden you would come up w/a reason as to why u were sad/depressed/insecure…so u “just had to” use food as an excuse.
I think you are feeling soooo secure right now…
Our marriage is Rock Solid!
Daughter is amazing!
Destroying Goals(13.1 miles..what??)
You are in such a great spot & I think u r looking for a reason to bring yourself down to “where u belong”
But…u belong where u r now!!! U r the best…time to recognize it! This isn’t a fad we r doing w/changing our lives…it’s our life!
Distancing ourselves from bad people
Good decisions for our fam
It’s not a yo-yo diet thing…it’s our life baby. We’ve changed it around. Please stop looking to prove to yourself that something is wrong, when EVERYTHING is right! This stuff with _____ is your new “self sabotage”…and it’s not happening.
I honestly don’t think u care that much about not having closure w/a friend we have barely talked to in the past 8-10 months of our life! I think u r just telling urself ” I suck, see ___ thinks so.”
This is you….your journey. Things are going so great & you are questioning whether you deserve this…questioning if your good enough for all of what we are doing, changing, creating!
Guess what? None of this we are doing, is good enough for you!
It’s the best we can do…but u deserve even more than what I can give you or what you can even give yourself! You are the best!
You deserve this Amy!!!! This is not about anyone else…just you!
You inspire me…every day!
I love you!
Do I have the greatest husband or what?
I am totally back on track today and more motivated than ever.
His letter to me was totally the kick in the pants that I needed.
Sometimes we just need those reminders of how strong we are in order to keep going.
No excuses. No putting blame elsewhere.
The situation with my friend sucks, yes, but it will not be my reason to self sabotage anymore.
I can’t wait to write Part 2 of my Love Goggles story now.
I truly am the luckiest girl in the world.