I have been avoiding posting lately.
One reason is because I’ve been busy (we were out of town for a few days, I’m planning 2 birthday parties for my soon-to-be one year old, I’m packing/planning for 10 days in NY for my sister’s wedding soon, etc.) and I’m finding that blogging takes up too much time for me at the moment
But the bigger reason is…
I’ve been having a tough time lately with the whole “feeling in control” thing…and I haven’t really known how to talk about it.
I’ve written a gazillion blog posts in my head about what I’ve been going through…but somehow never manage to get them down and post them up.
So here goes…
I am at a fairly ideal weight. 147 is not at all unhealthy for 5’6″ tall and I like the way I look for the most part, at least in my clothes.
One would think after losing 90 pounds that I would be done with my weight loss journey…I mean, it’s over right?
I lost the weight.
I’m in shape.
I’m a runner now.
I’ve taken up swimming.
I’m gearing up to do a triathlon someday.
I’m here to tell you that in spite of all of those accomplishments, my journey is far from over.
I still have binge days.
I still have days where I hate myself and who I am and what I look like.
I have days where I question myself constantly…
am I good enough?
what did I do to ruin that friendship?
did I say something stupid today during that conversation?
did I talk about myself too much and forget to ask questions?
did I not talk enough and come off weird and shy?
do they really want to hang out with me or did they invite me out of pity?
You know what I mean…
that kind of negative self talk that helped me to arrive at the wonderful weight of 235 lbs…
and I hate that I have days where this is how my mind works.
It makes me feel so…
I have this constant nagging feeling like I don’t belong
or that I’m not good enough.
It is so incredibly hard to shake it off…
and I find myself reverting to the dreaded
(translation: fat girl mentality).
Even though I am at a healthy weight now, I still was a FG for a larger percentage of my life…roughly 75% of it.
That kind of mentality is somewhat ingrained in me still.
And even though I try incredibly hard to restructure my way of thinking,
I find that very often, I am filled with self doubt.
The problem is, I realize that people gravitate towards confidence.
This self doubt thing is a self-fulfilling prophecy because
the more I feel this way
the more it is going to come out in my personality
the more people will pick up on it
the less they will want to spend time with me.
See how that works?
I know it is all tied into the concept of not being good enough.
And I know my triggers.
I know that since my family vacation in April that feeling has been rearing it’s ugly head more and more…
since sometimes being around my family can revert me back to that old mentality almost immediately.
In a nutshell…
I always struggled with the feeling of not being as good as or as important as my older sister my whole life growing up
and now I fear that same thing for my daughter.
She is the second grandchild by about 8 months…
so of course her older cousin will always be able to do more and interact more at any given age.
And then by the time my daughter does it, it is certainly less exciting for everyone to see the second time around.
And my husband and I witnessed this on our trip.
Everyone paid a lot more attention to Caleigh’s older cousin…for a variety of reasons.
Her cousin was more interactive playing in the pool…so of course my father spent more time swimming with her than Caleigh.
Her cousin had bigger expressions at the hibachi restaurant when the cook would do something exciting…so of course when he lit the fire on the stove, everyone turned to her to see what she thought of it and no one glanced Caleigh’s way.
Her cousin was talking, walking, singing, etc…none of which Caleigh could do at the time…so pulling up seemed a lot less exciting.
And sure, Caleigh may not notice now,
but there will come a time where she might…
and I don’t want her to have those same feelings that I struggled with growing up as the second child.
I realize this sounds very “middle child syndrome” of me…and yes, it’s true…I’ve got a bad case.
But I also know that it is not in my head.
My husband gets even more fired up about it than I do.
And other people have noticed it as well.
But justifying my feelings does not really help the situation…since
I HATE feeling this way.
I just want to be able to enjoy my time with my family.
I spent my whole life feeling not-as-important…and I hate to think that my daughter could experience that as well…
and possibly develop some of my same issues…
despite my husband and I trying incredibly hard to break the cycle.
I mean, it might not seem like a big deal…
but these feelings are still plaguing me…and I’m 32 years old.
I try to tell myself that
I AM good enough.
I wouldn’t want to trade places with anyone.
I love my life and I am proud of what I have accomplished and who I have become.
And I truly do believe it…
most of the time.
But I guess those weak moments are what I need to still conquer.
I don’t think they are ever going to go away completely.