That Ol’ Familiar Feeling

I have been avoiding posting lately.

One reason is because I’ve been busy  (we were out of town for a few days, I’m planning 2 birthday parties for my soon-to-be one year old, I’m packing/planning for 10 days in NY for my sister’s wedding soon, etc.) and I’m finding that blogging takes up too much time for me at the moment

But the bigger reason is…

I’ve been having a tough time lately with the whole “feeling in control” thing…and I haven’t really known how to talk about it.

I’ve written a gazillion blog posts in my head about what I’ve been going through…but somehow never manage to get them down and post them up.

So here goes…

I am at a fairly ideal weight. 147 is not at all unhealthy for 5’6″ tall and I like the way I look for the most part, at least in my clothes.

One would think after losing 90 pounds that I would be done with my weight loss journey…I mean, it’s over right?

I lost the weight.

I’m in shape.

I’m a runner now.

I’ve taken up swimming.

I’m gearing up to do a triathlon someday.

But no.

I’m here to tell you that in spite of all of those accomplishments, my journey is far from over.

I still have binge days.

I still have days where I hate myself and who I am and what I look like.

I have days where I question myself constantly…

am I good enough?

what did I do to ruin that friendship?

did I say something stupid today during that conversation?

did I talk about myself too much and forget to ask questions?

did I not talk enough and come off weird and shy?

do they really want to hang out with me or did they invite me out of pity?

You know what I mean…

that kind of negative self talk that helped me to arrive at the wonderful weight of 235 lbs…

and I hate that I have days where this is how my mind works.

It makes me feel so…

well…

not normal.

I have this constant nagging feeling like I don’t belong

or that I’m not good enough.

It is so incredibly hard to shake it off…

and I find myself reverting to the dreaded

FGM

(translation: fat girl mentality).

 Even though I am at a healthy weight now, I still was a FG for a larger percentage of my life…roughly 75% of it.

That kind of mentality is somewhat ingrained in me still.

And even though I try incredibly hard to restructure my way of thinking,

I find that very often, I am filled with self doubt.

The problem is, I realize that people gravitate towards confidence.

This self doubt thing is a self-fulfilling prophecy because

the more I feel this way

the more it is going to come out in my personality

the more people will pick up on it

the less they will want to spend time with me.

See how that works?

I know it is all tied into the concept of not being good enough.

And I know my triggers.

I know that since my family vacation in April that feeling has been rearing it’s ugly head more and more…

since sometimes being around my family can revert me back to that old mentality almost immediately.

In a nutshell…

I always struggled with the feeling of not being as good as or as important as my older sister my whole life growing up

and now I fear that same thing for my daughter.

She is the second grandchild by about 8 months…

so of course her older cousin will always be able to do more and interact more at any given age.

And then by the time my daughter does it, it is certainly less exciting for everyone to see the second time around.

And my husband and I witnessed this on our trip.

Everyone paid a lot more attention to Caleigh’s older cousin…for a variety of reasons.

Her cousin was more interactive playing in the pool…so of course my father spent more time swimming with her than Caleigh.

Her cousin had bigger expressions at the hibachi restaurant when the cook would do something exciting…so of course when he lit the fire on the stove, everyone turned to her to see what she thought of it and no one glanced Caleigh’s way.

Her cousin was talking, walking, singing, etc…none of which Caleigh could do at the time…so pulling up seemed a lot less exciting.

And sure, Caleigh may not notice now,

but there will come a time where she might…

and I don’t want her to have those same feelings that I struggled with growing up as the second child.

I realize this sounds very “middle child syndrome” of me…and yes, it’s true…I’ve got a bad case.

But I also know that it is not in my head.

My husband gets even more fired up about it than I do.

And other people have noticed it as well.

But justifying my feelings does not really help the situation…since

I HATE feeling this way.

I just want to be able to enjoy my time with my family.

I spent my whole life feeling not-as-important…and I hate to think that my daughter could experience that as well…

and possibly develop some of my same issues…

despite my husband and I trying incredibly hard to break the cycle.

I mean, it might not seem like a big deal…

but these feelings are still plaguing me…and I’m 32 years old.

I try to tell myself that

I AM good enough.

I wouldn’t want to trade places with anyone.

I love my life and I am proud of what I have accomplished and who I have become.

And I truly do believe it…

most of the time.

But I guess those weak moments are what I need to still conquer.

I don’t think they are ever going to go away completely.

Advertisements

6 Comments

Filed under Uncategorized

6 responses to “That Ol’ Familiar Feeling

  1. I have been there. I am still there a lot of the time. So I know nothing I say is going to make it better.

    Just know I am thinking of you and hoping it gets better!

    • amybart

      Thank you! I knew if I posted honestly that people would be able to relate to what I was going through…so many of us deal with this struggle! Appreciate the kind words!

  2. I wish I had magic words for you, but I don’t. All I can offer are the few things that I know:

    Maintenance is harder than losing weight. There isn’t the goal to strive for, it gets harder to find the energy to plan, to say “no”, to fight cravings, and our bodies have this very unfortunate survival reaction to losing a lot of weight, which is to try to put it back on. I think there are really only two options: keep fighting, or give up. I’ve chosen “give up” a few times, which is why I haven’t ever been able to maintain weight loss. I’m working on “keep fighting” now, and just doing the best that I can.

    I don’t usually quote Dr. Phil, but I do remember him saying to someone about a problem they were struggling with: “That’s your thing. That’s your issue, and it is ALWAYS going to be your issue. You need to accept that before you can move on.”

    And for me, that did strike a chord. Weight is always going to be my “thing”, it will always be something I’m struggling with or working on, I’m never going to be someone who doesn’t pay much attention to what they eat, or what size they wear. But everyone has a “thing” — some people are forever struggling with a smoking addiction (not me); some people gamble too much (nope); some people can’t be faithful in relationships (whew — not me). It’s just human nature too want too much of something we shouldn’t have/do.

    My dad was a recovering alcoholic, and he was sober for the last 10+ years of his life. At his funeral, I remember his good friend commenting that alcoholics are usually described as being “in recovery”, but now my dad was finally recovered. That also resonated with me — I will be in this fight for the long-haul. It only ends…at the end.

    • amybart

      You are so right. I have to remember that this is my struggle…and it could be a lot worse. This is a totally do-able thing to try and manage compared to a lot of struggles I wouldn’t wish to have. If this is my cross to bear, I accept it. When I put it into perspective, it definitely doesn’t feel as bad. Thank you for always being so supportive…you remind me of why I post so honestly on my blog about things I may not admit out loud in real life…this is where the support is! Thanks again, Alison.

      • Agreed — love this community! In the past when I’ve lost weight/changed my lifestyle, I did it alone — never talked to ANYONE about it, kept it all in my little head. I just didn’t think anyone in my life would understand.

        This way is better 🙂

  3. Thank you for being honest and sharing your feelings because now all of your blogging friends can give you word of encouragement!

    I am so sorry you feel that way and I want to let you know that I look up to you.. you lost 90 pounds! WOW! That in itself is amazing and you did it all on your own.. you are awesome. Just sayin’ 🙂

    I have felt inferior so many times before and I have found that addressing the person or the issue can really help alleviate the bad feelings. 🙂

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s