The Harsh Sting of Rejection

I’ve been MIA for quite a while lately…mostly for good reasons.

We celebrated Caleigh’s 1st birthday a little early with a party back in NY with family and friends:

My sister got married:

Caleigh and her cousin at the rehearsal dinner

The happy couple!

Joe and I utilizing the awesome photo booth at the wedding!

We celebrated the fourth of July:

My entire family!

I ran a 4 mile race with my husband and cousins on the fourth of July as well:

Joe and I noticed our cheering section rooting us on!

Finishing strong! 4 miles in 35 minutes 30 seconds!

Me and my sweetie

As well as celebrated my 2nd wedding anniversary:

My parents babysat while my husband and I went out to dinner and stayed in beautiful Saratoga Springs, NY!

But the biggest reason I have been incredibly busy the last week and a half was due to an unexpected phone call the first week I was home about interviewing for 2 special education positions in a local school district.

I was super excited and went and bought a new suit and prepped for the interview the best I could.

I got there and they informed me the positions were actually for 2 kindergarten positions…which was a total surprise and I was ridiculously excited since kindergarten is my favorite grade to teach!

I interviewed well and the next day was blown away when I was called to come in for a 2nd interview.

They had received 300 applications.

They had interviewed 17 the first round.

And said they would be cutting it down to 7 for the second round.

The problem was that we were set to leave for California on Tuesday morning and the second interview wasn’t until Thursday.

So we decided the risk was worth the cost of changing my flight and booked Caleigh and I to fly out the following Tuesday which meant we’d be staying a week longer than my husband.

I spent all of Tuesday and Wednesday prepping for the interview…and felt really ready…

when early Thursday morning, my baby girl woke up sick and vomited all over me.

I am not at all grossed out by her vomit…she is my baby and it just scared me…I was terrified by it. She is so tiny and I have no idea where all of it possibly came from. It really freaked me out and I started crying hysterically…admittedly not my finest moment as a mother since I completely panicked instead of staying calm.

As I’m getting ready for a big interview, I’m crying my eyes out over my baby being sick…can you say hormones??? I was a mess.

Nevertheless, I pulled it together and got myself on the road…practicing interview questions the entire way to the school.

I was a little intimidated in the waiting room, when the woman who interviewed right before me came out to the lobby and was chit chatting up the place as if she’d been part of the school forever. It all of a sudden dawned on me that they may have familiar people already pegged for these positions and that I might just be a long shot.

I interviewed in front of 8 people…including 5 principals.

It was slightly overwhelming, but I felt well prepared and I was ready for every question they threw at me.

I killed it.

My life is filled with self doubt, but I walked out of there feeling like this job was mine.

But within 4 hours, I received the dreaded call telling me I hadn’t made it through to the next round.

I held it together while I was on the phone, thanked the principal for his time and hung up…but when I walked into the kitchen to tell my mom, I immediately burst into tears.

No amount of announcing to everyone prior to the phone call that

even if I don’t get it, this is all worth it for the experience

or

I’m just flattered I made it this far

or

the cost of changing my flight and buying a suit will be worth it either way…even if I don’t get it

or

I’ll be disappointed if I don’t get it, but I’ll be proud I was in the top 10 out of 300 regardless

had adequately prepared me for how I would feel when I actually didn’t get it.

I was genuinely shocked.

I realized that I had never NOT gotten a job that I’d applied for.

This was a first.

And it hurt.

My confidence was instantly gone.

I questioned myself as a teacher…as an interviewee…as a person.

What was it about me that they hadn’t liked? Wasn’t I perfect for this job? What did those other teachers have that I didn’t?

All evening, I cried at the drop of a hat. I was a wreck. My baby seemed to be feeling better but I was still worried about her, too.

I fell asleep at 9…woke up briefly from 4-5:30 and then fell back asleep til 7:15. That was by far the most sleep I’ve gotten in a year…and I knew it was because I was mentally and physically drained.

This morning, I told myself I was going to be strong.

Then I went in and saw my baby had puked in her crib during the night and was still not feeling good.

snuggling with her nana

I started getting texts and messages from people asking how the interview had gone…and each time, I’d burst into tears.

It HURTS.

I know I am broken down emotionally already because I am worried about my baby…so my ability to handle bad news at the moment is not at its best.

But still.

This HURTS.

I haven’t felt this level of rejection in years.

I forgot what it does to you…and your self esteem.

I’m not handling it well.

My husband tried, from 3000 miles away, tried to pep talk me since he could see how hard I was taking it.

I decided to go for a run to take back control of my confidence level.

I ran 6 miles through my hilly hometown in 58 1/2 minutes and it did feel good.

Then I got two texts and a FB message asking how my interview went before I even got home.

I cried within 5 minutes of sitting down in my house.

I’m trying so hard to stay positive and look on the bright side.

It wasn’t meant to be.

There is something better out there.

I’m not supposed to end up at that school.

And I’m sure eventually I’ll see the situation for what it is.

But right now, in the moment, I’m really feeling bad.

So I’m off to watch The Last Lecture by Randy Pausch one more time.

My husband sent me this line in an IM today:

“I am dying…it is what it is, we cant change the cards we are dealt, just how we play the hand”-Randy Pausch

I’m not dying.

I just didn’t get a job.

Nothing like a better person to humble me and change my perspective almost instantly.

I’m feeling better already.

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6 Comments

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6 responses to “The Harsh Sting of Rejection

  1. I think it is reasonable to be upset after not getting the job and it is okay to have a good cry every once in a while. I totally understand. You are trying to look on the bright side and you are doing just fine!

    Your daughter is so cute I can’t take it! GREAT job on your 4 mile race and omg Saratoga, NY is gorgeous!

  2. First of all, I have missed reading your updates, so I’m glad you’re back.
    Second, I’m glad you’ve been having such a good time with your family.
    Third, I am still amazed by how much I seem to have in common with you. I have been going through the interview process myself this summer (except I’m looking to get out of the classroom, while you’re looking to get in) and you’re right…even if you prepare yourself for the rejection, it still hurts. In fact, I interviewed somewhere last week and I only told a handful of people because I didn’t want all of the calls and questions. I really hope you find something!

  3. Oh no! Oh, gosh….job searching is the WORST these days. I agree, nothing wrong with crying when you’re sad or disappointed. That’s the start of making it through to the other side.

    I’ve only had 4 real jobs in my life and I’ve interviewed at least 75 times for various positions (no exaggeration), most of which I did not get…so I must be REALLY undesirable 😉 OR….it just wasn’t meant to be.

    I’ll be you felt a little better after watching The Last Lecture. Randy had some pretty spectacular rejection letters — and he was so much better off for them all!

  4. You are certainly entitled to feel the way you do, that is a tough situation, and I commend you for getting so far! You will only go up from here, you are one strong lady.
    I am glad you’re back!

  5. pawsitivelife

    i used to get every job i applied for. i was the big fish in a small pond, but once i switched ponds it was a rude awakening. its hard not to put so many expectations on your self. im glad your back

  6. Pingback: Moving Update! | Conquering Self

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