I have had a tough time lately. I’ve been struggling for sure…but at the same time, things have never been better.
My husband and I bought our first house…
Three days ago, I got a new nephew:
My beautiful daughter is more adorable and lovable than ever:
I love my new job.
I have been working out 5 days a week, running 12 miles and doing 2 strength building workouts for the week.
But I am bingeing more than ever…
and I cannot figure out how/why.
I had today what I call a “last hurrah”…
in short, one last binge.
I go back and forth always trying to decide if a last binge is actually helpful or hurtful.
I always convince myself that I need the last hurrah…need to get it out of my system.
But part of me feels that the last hurrah is just me taking a big deep breath
before I dive in…
before I start eating healthy and being in control again…
and eventually I am going to have to come up for air again.
And then what?
Deep down I know it is harmful in many ways.
I mean, it is one more binge.
It is that much more bad food going into my body.
It adds fuel to the fire as I indulge in my vice yet again.
I want to begin again…
for what feels like the hundredth time
and just like when I quit drinking almost 9 years ago,
as frustrated as I feel when I fail time and time again,
it’s all about trying one more time….
and I can hope and pray that maybe this time will be THE time.
As I go through the steps for Overeaters Anonymous in an attempt to gain control,
I realize that I actually need to give up control in order to heal.
I will once again be documenting my journey here…as I know that there are others out there who will relate to what I am going through.
And I will start by taking the time each day to acknowledge what I am truly grateful for today.
I am grateful to God for the life that I get to lead…
for this beautiful view out my window each day:
my ridiculously supportive and understanding husband who somehow does not think I’m crazy, even after watching me go through this vicious cycle time and time again,
my gorgeous daughter,
our continued health and happiness,
an extended family who would do anything for us,
a job I love,
and the good sense to keep starting over.