Category Archives: Running

My New Running Crew

I finally ran my first race in about 6 months.
I also have corralled enough girls to run with me to finally feel like I have a running group again!

I was sick for the whole week before the run with a cold/cough and had not run in 11 days…so my time of 28:06 was not disappointing in the least. 9 minute miles are what I consider a good pace…not my absolute fastest but good.
What made me unhappy about how I’d run this race was not my time…
But more how I felt running it.
I started out waaaay too fast and ran an 8:20 first mile.
And then died.
The final two miles, I felt weak and tired. My lungs hurt. People were catching me…
And passing me by.
It was a struggle…and not as enjoyable.
The last race I’d run in October was like this too.
Out too fast and died too early.
I want to be the one passing people….not the other way around.
It’s very defeating.
Doesn’t feel good.
It makes me want to train harder next time.
It makes me want to figure out how to run a race and feel good again.



Filed under Exercising, Friends, Running

Consistency Somewhere

So I had another good day. I’m not going to dissect it because sometimes that can trigger me for whatever reason…if I’m doing well. But I was happy.
One thing that has been going very well for awhile now is my exercising. Since I moved back 7 months ago, one of my friends from high school and I have been very consistent workout buddies. We workout in the morning at 5:10 everyday and we do 3 days of running (4 miles outside, even in 10 degree weather bundled up in multiple layers) and the other two days we do circuit training in my home gym in my new house.
It’s just a start, but so far we have a treadmill, some yoga mats, medicine balls, a bench and dumbbells from 5 lbs up to 25 lbs:

We try to mix in cardio with weights for a complete body workout…and we usually end up sore (the good kind!) so we must be (hopefully) doing something right!
For example, today we did
-goblet squats
-bench press
-21’s with dumbbells
-weighted side lunges
-a great ab exercise where you extend your legs, then bring in your knees while doing a crunch while bringing a medicine ball up from behind your head (that one kills!)
-and sprints on the treadmill mixed in.

We’ve even had other girls ask to join in our workouts which is cool!
As I focus on the positives, our workout schedule/routine is definitely one of them! I have never been this consistent and it feels great.
But I am now proof positive that you can exercise a ton and still gain weight if you don’t eat the right kinds of food in the right kind of portions…so now I am off to find a balance between the two!

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Filed under Dieting, Exercising, Running

Day One

Not perfect….
That’s about the only way I can describe today.
I slept through my workout
(and let’s be honest, I heard my alarm…I totally could have gotten up),
I ate five 50 calorie packs of pretzels,
I stayed up way too late last night so I was exhausted today
But today wasn’t a total bust.
I said my morning prayers and thanked god for all the great things in my life.
I got some adorable new pictures of my new nephew

My husband told me how pretty I looked when I left for work.
No meltdowns from my kids at school.

A lot of things went well that I just don’t want to ignore.

I can focus on the small failures areas needing improvement or I can focus on the positives…and it is all up to me.

One life…I am the only one who can choose how it will be lived.
Damn that brick wall. Get out of my way.

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Filed under Dieting, Exercising, Family, Running, Uncategorized

Lost and Gone…but not forever

I’m still here…but I’ve been kind of lost. I find when I am most in control, I’m talking about it…in other words, blogging about it.
I love my new job.
I love my new house.
I love being close to my family again in NY.
I’ve gained 15 pounds.
So with that, I will be back.


Filed under Dieting, Exercising, Family, Running

Getting it Right…(and triathlon news!)

It’s funny that when I am off track, I rarely post about it.

I’m not sure why, since that was the reason I started this blog in the first place…to work through the tough times on this journey.

Of course the last few days, I have been back on track…

so here I am trying to analyze what was wrong.

 I’m trying to figure out what was different during those few weeks when I couldn’t seem to get it together

and now.

Some things I have noticed that I need to do

in order to feel in control:

1) count calories

sample of part of my day

It is plain and simple. If I do it, I eat what I want and without guilt. I still have a focus on healthy choices, but if I choose to measure out a 1/2 cup of low fat ice cream for dessert, I can. Without guilt.

I hope to someday progress to the point where I can reign myself in without counting calories, but I can recognize that I am not there yet.

So it is a long term goal.

But in the meantime,

counting calories is a must for me.

2) Some type of physical activity in the morning before I sit and eat my breakfast.

It sounds crazy, but if I eat breakfast before I complete my workout, 9 times out of 10, those are the days I typically get off track eating-wise

(disclaimer: this is not counting the days I need to really fuel up for a run or something…I definitely eat something beforehand on those mornings)

For me, this is definitely more symbolic than anything else.

It’s as if I say to myself, ahhh, I can sit and eat my breakfast instead of completing my workout this morning. No biggie.

But the problem is for me, it is a biggie.

It is a sign of giving up on working out for the day.

Not sure why that is…

and again

a long term goal will be to

be able to eat some breakfast prior to exercising and


have that be the kiss of workout-death.

But until that time, early morning workouts are the way its gotta be for now.

The good news is, even when my eating has been off, I have been exercising very regularly, if not every day.

So those are my conclusions for now…but I am sure I will continue to analyze both the good times and bad times in order to continue making progress in the right direction!


Unrelated sidenote:

Here is my “Sweat is Beautiful” tribute to Jen over at Prior Fat Girl:

This was after a VERY HARD 3.1 mile, morning run the other day.

I felt wiped afterwards…but in a good way.

In an I-just-gave-it-everything-I’ve-got kind of way.

And it showed.

I was drenched. 🙂


Oh…and in other news:

I signed up for my first triathlon today!

The entry form has officially been sent in.

I am nervous as all hell.

It is in less than 2 weeks, but I am pretty sure I can do it.


…I just bought a bike this weekend (oh you know, just semi-essential to triathlon training when you haven’t ridden a bike in years!!)

Actually, my husband came home and surprised me with a new bike after work on Friday!

We had been looking at bikes for me together, but the actual buying of the bike and bringing it home to me was totally unexpected! And he went with a nicer bike (a hybrid) than I had even thought we were going to get…so


I seriously felt like a little 8 year old on their birthday!

I’ve already gone on a 7 mile bike ride (still super nervous about riding in the road, so sticking mostly to bike paths for now) and rode to pick up dinner/grab a few things at the grocery store this weekend…I LOVE IT!!

Yet again, I have the greatest husband ever!

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Filed under Biking, Dieting, Exercising, Family, Running, Swimming, Uncategorized

7 Quick Takes

I’m still working on Love Goggles Part 2, but in the meantime, this is what has been going on lately:

1) My baby girl is walking!

(I attempted to upload video but don’t have the right file type…darn. It’s really cute!)

Screen shots will have to do:

She is only 10 months old and weighs just over 16 pounds (can you say zero percentile?) so she looks really funny doing it. We always joke that people are going to think we have a super advanced baby because they assume she is way younger than she is…haha. She is taking on average between 4-6 independent steps at a time and sometimes between 10-15 before she goes down! It has been so exciting! All of a sudden she seems like a little girl and not a baby anymore!

2) I had a great run yesterday…I only went 4 miles but it just feels good. I legitimately enjoy running now…it is official. I actually look forward to it and find it relaxing!

3) The “i” button my my computer keyboard is semi-broken…and it makes it relatively annoying to type. So everytime you see a word that contains an “i”, know that it took me at least 3 times hitting the button before it would work. 🙂

4) My swimming lesson with my friend the other night was awesome! She is a really great teacher and I felt much more confident when she was done with me. The best lesson she taught me? No stopping and putting my feet down until I finish a length…if I have to float or doggy paddle, fine, but I can’t stop. Prior to her telling me this, I was stopping constantly to point out what I was doing wrong each time and it was sort of getting in the way of me making any progress. This new development, simple as it may be, has definitely given me more confidence now that I am actually finishing a full pool length.

5) Low point of yesterday – trying on training swimsuits. Wow. Just when I was starting to feel confident and strong again, I was hit really hard with a huge slice of humble pie…right in the face. They just don’t look good. Period. Tacky colors, tacky patterns, tightness beyond belief, straps pinching extra skin and fat, no hiding of legs whatsoever…you name it and it SUCKED. I hated the way mine looked on me

 (prepare yourself…it is by far the most real, unflattering picture I’ve ever posted of myself)

The real me:

These suit doesn’t work for my body type since I had no way to hide my major problem area – my legs. (Sidenote – notice my poor hubs’ face in the pic as he is in the middle of dealing with my ” I hate my body” moment. haha…he’s a saint.)

It was an extremely hard dose of reality to take being confronted with the truth – that regardless of how many workouts I do, how much weight I lose, I will naturally always have big legs. I am very skilled at hiding my flaws to appear thinner than I am. Many women who weigh 149 at 5’6″ do not look like I look underneath my carefully selected clothes…but I just have to accept that it is part of my DNA as well as collateral damage of once being 235 lbs. I am at the high end of the healthy weight range so I know I will lose more, but the chances of there being significant improvement with my legs is slim. So I sucked it up and bought the swimsuit because my goal of learning how to swim is going to outweigh my self consciousness. I refuse to let it stop me anymore.

6) High point of today (so far): swimming 11 laps in the pool! At 5:15 am no less! That is by far the most laps I have ever done in my life and I definitely feel very proud. Just one week ago, I couldn’t go more than 20 feet at a time without freaking out. It took me between 20-25 minutes to do it this morning, but I did it. I even successfully attempted (twice!) to do a lap down and back without stopping.

7) My big girl has finally gotten her second set of teeth!

Sorry for the messy face pic, but it is hard to pin down a 10 month old for a shot like this! haha. She got the two little ones on the bottom at 6 months so we have been waiting 4 long months for the next ones to cut through…and they have finally arrived! And they are HUGE!!


It’s been a mini-rollercoaster of emotions these last couple of days and I am again reminded that this will always be a process, ongoing and at times somewhat difficult. I am definitely stronger than I used to be, though…

and my focus right now is to reflect at the end of each day.

If I can say that

I worked as hard as I could

 on the goals that I set out for myself

 for just that one day

then I’ll be happy.


One day at a time.


Filed under Exercising, Fears, Parenting, Running, Uncategorized

Love Goggles – Part 1

You’ve heard of beer goggles, right?

It is a phrase I heard used a lot in college (of course during my heavy drinking days) that is talking about when someone has drunk so much alcohol that they don’t realize that the person they are hitting on in the bar is completely unattractive.

Nice, huh?

Trust me, the second I heard the term, I immediately assumed from that point on that any man hitting on me in a bar had “beer goggles”.

Talk about low self-esteem! Heaven forbid that I might actually have something to offer or that I may be seen as attractive to the opposite sex.

When I met my husband, I had been sober for 3 years. I had lost about 60-65 pounds at that point, so I had some newfound confidence but was still about 30-40 pounds more than my goal weight.

We met through friends (at a bar coincidentally) and immediately clicked. I thought he was really cool…for 2 reasons:

1) He was wearing a Mets hat (not many Mets fans are brave enough to announce to the public that they are, in fact, fans). Being raised a Mets fan myself since birth, I usually came across annoying Yankees fans. It was definitely more rare to meet someone who liked the “other NY baseball team”.

2) He saw me cheat when playing cards (don’t worry, it’s allowed in the game if you are capable of getting away with it) and didn’t tell.

I knew I liked this guy.

I developed a crush on him almost immediately. We became MySpace friends (way back haha) and started a friendship. I always saw him talking to lots of girls, so I didn’t have much hope. I decided to go against my normal instincts, however, (sort of like George Costanza) and see what would happen if I actually put myself out there for once.

I invited him to my house one night when I was having friends over to play cards and hang out. He said he’d come and he ended up asking me for my number (purely platonically of course) so that he could call if he needed directions to my place.

This led to texting…

which led to IM-ing…

which led to us talking pretty much everyday.

I was totally into him by this point.

After about 5 months of us being friends, I got up the courage to ask him one night if he had ever considered me as anything more than a friend. Hell ya, confidence! I had totally put myself out there. Now granted, he was giving me major signals and signs that he was into me, too, so it was actually easier than I had thought it’d be.

He said no, he hadn’t.


I was crushed. I could not believe that I had been wrong. I was so sure that he felt the same way about me that I had about him. I had put myself out there, using the little shred of confidence I had felt and I had been shot down.

At this point and with zero self esteem left, I assumed with all of the signs he had given me that he must have been just looking for a casual fling…a “friends-with-benefits” scenario…so I very carefully explained that I was not looking for that kind of relationship. I was very blunt and was all about showing how much respect I had for myself. I was not looking to be used. I was good enough to be someone’s girlfriend damn it.

I was cool about it, though. Said we’d just be friends then.

We continued our friendship as if nothing had happened. For a day.

Then he called me one night on the way home from a family barbecue. We talked for over an hour and I could tell he didn’t really want to get off the phone. At 11:30, he said, “Oh wow…it’s 11:30, I had no idea how late it was.” We finally hung up and the next morning, I had a text on my phone from him. From about 15 minutes after we had gotten off the phone (I guess I fall asleep quickly haha). It said, “I knew how late it was the whole time we were talking. I just didn’t want to get off the phone. I’ve changed my mind. I want to give this a shot if you still do.” My heart just about stopped.

From that point on, we were dating. We clicked instantly and I knew that we going to be together.

I felt comfortable with him from the start, but at the same time, I was completely guarded. I really, really liked this guy and was super afraid of getting my heart broken.

Within the first 3 weeks, poor Joe was told every deep dark secret about me (and I’m all for honesty, but this was done way before any normal person would have spilled it all). Looking back, I am super lucky I didn’t freak him out enough (he was definitely freaked out, but luckily not enough! haha) to actually walk away from me. It was a pour-your-heart-out-and-leave-no-stone-unturned-so-there-will-be-no-surprises-later kind of thing. I’m still glad I did it. This man knew me. And he still stayed.

Well, almost knew me. I left out one major detail.

He didn’t know about this:

It took me 6 months of being together before I had the courage to tell him that I used to be fat.

I was so embarrassed of the way I had looked and was afraid he wouldn’t like me when he found out.

I was afraid he would be embarrassed of me.

I was afraid he wouldn’t want to be seen with me.

I was afraid he’d be made fun of by his friends for being with a fat girl.

Those thoughts scared me so much so

that this girl

who can’t keep anything secret for 2 seconds

kept this big secret for six whole months.

I can remember the night I told him like it was yesterday. I couldn’t even look him in the eyes.

His response, “Ya, I know. So what. You don’t think I saw you in the pictures downstairs in the hallway? I know what I see and I think you are beautiful.”


In my head, I had been keeping it a secret.

When really, he had known all along.


Stay tuned for Part 2 tomorrow!


Filed under Fears, Running, Uncategorized