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Preparation for a Change

So yesterday wasn’t a total win…
But it wasn’t a total loss either.

I ate things that I did not want to eat
(a piece of pizza instead of the lunch I had planned)

And had a slight binge
( five 90 calorie special k cereal bars that don’t even taste that good)

But

I tracked everything. All 61 points of it.

Yes, double my daily allotment of points.

There are some things I’m feeling positive about this morning, however.

First off, I went grocery shopping yesterday and have really made strides in transitioning my fridge and pantry over to more real food and cutting out processed foods.

Btw-I am amazed at how much I think I already know about healthy living but really still have to learn. Just reading the ingredient list on things is so eye opening. And I’ve always looked at nutritional info and ingredients on things I buy, rather obsessively, but now the ingredient list holds more weight than how many calories or how many points something may be.

Having lots of good-for-me options is an empowering way to start my day (though by no means foolproof).

Second, I have already mapped out my food for today and I’m committing to sticking to that plan.

Third, my sister is coming when she gets out of work and we’re doing one of the Fit Mama workouts I used to do 2 years ago…when I was in the best shape of my life and training for my half marathon.

I feel prepared today.

One day at a time.

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I rarely post anymore.
It was time consuming and I flat out couldn’t keep up.
I don’t even really read the healthy living blogs like I used to.
But I also can’t deny that not being a part of that blogging community of support has taken its toll.

Proof positive: I ate potato chips today.

Might not sound like a big deal, but for someone who hasn’t eaten real potato chips in YEARS, it just gives some insight into where I’m at.

NOT in a good place.

Let’s back up…I am in a great place in many respects.
I had a healthy baby boy exactly three months ago:

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My husband and daughter are as wonderful as ever:

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I'm enjoying my maternity leave and all the extra time I get to spend with my family.

But I am stuck in a rut.

Yes, again.

I have confirmed for myself countless times now that this is a never-ending cross I have to bear.

I will never have total control over my issues with food.
It will never be easy…or something that comes without tons of work.
I will always have periods of time where I struggle.

The rut I am in is not an abnormal rut. I mean, I am 3 months postpartum. I am 25 pounds overweight. I am barely finding time in the day to shower. And food is my comfort.

I know I don't want to binge on candy and chips everytime I stop over to my parents' house. I guess you could say I let myself go back and forth between my completely depressing sense of reality and an unhealthy state of denial.

Tomorrow is my birthday. I love my birthday. I really do. I'm not depressed about getting old or anything. I still feel like a kid most of the time and have to constantly remind myself that I'm not!
That's a good thing.

But I don't want to be 25 pounds overweight anymore…even if it was for a very good reason.

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So I’m going to try to read the blogs again to get a better frame of mind again…and a virtual community of support.

And I’m going to attempt to document my journey again…
even if only to hold myself accountable.
Tomorrow is a new day.

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Feeling Lost

It has been months since I have blogged…and I have to admit I am not even reading the blogs that much anymore.

My life has drastically changed once again…considering that I am currently 27 weeks pregnant with our second child.

I am beyond excited to meet our new little boy (yes…we are having a boy!!) and feel so incredibly blessed for all of the amazing things in our life.

However, like always, I come back to the blog when I am facing a struggle with my health and eating habits.

Stopping running for me, while some can run during their entire pregnancy, is a no-brainer. However, the decision to not run while pregnant has taken its toll.

Physically I have done really well, tracking my nutrition and calories to have a completely healthy pregnancy. I have been gaining as I should, but slowly and in a healthy way. As of about 24 weeks, I had gained approximately 10 pounds.  I was thrilled with this since I think with my daughter I gained 12-15 in the first trimester!

However, the last month, I have started to derail.

It started with some halloween candy (always in moderation at first of course) and turned into numerous (I mean NUMEROUS) major old school binge sessions.

It feels terrible and it is that out of control feeling creeping back into my life, after so many months of feeling relatively good.

I am trying to get to the bottom of it…

why I feel like I can’t get back on track

why I have tried starting over so many times only to fall (and fail) time and time again

why with my husband’s loving support, I get angry at him

why I continue to sneak food and hide from others how much I eat

why I feel this urgency to eat really fast and shovel it in before someone tells me to stop.

I don’t know.

I’m lost…for now.

But looking for answers. Looking for clarity. Looking for a TRUE fresh start.

Hopefully I find it all soon.

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Day One

Not perfect….
That’s about the only way I can describe today.
I slept through my workout
(and let’s be honest, I heard my alarm…I totally could have gotten up),
I ate five 50 calorie packs of pretzels,
I stayed up way too late last night so I was exhausted today
But today wasn’t a total bust.
I said my morning prayers and thanked god for all the great things in my life.
I got some adorable new pictures of my new nephew

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My husband told me how pretty I looked when I left for work.
No meltdowns from my kids at school.

A lot of things went well that I just don’t want to ignore.

I can focus on the small failures areas needing improvement or I can focus on the positives…and it is all up to me.

One life…I am the only one who can choose how it will be lived.
Damn that brick wall. Get out of my way.

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A Homemade Halloween…keeping the tradition alive!

The last few weeks have been full of stress and change…and I am just beginning to get settled.

The (2nd) new job is going really well and

I wasn’t sure I would like it, but turns out, I really do!

I’ve turned a corner with the eating healthy and working out…and am feeling really good.

I have to say, I think it had something to do with blogging about it…

since I started doing better right after my last post.

Maybe it is that acknowledgement that I am getting scarily close to rock bottom?

Okay, well maybe I wasn’t that bad,

but I do get flashes of myself at this weight:

and typically that really puts a scare into me…

since I know I don’t want to go back there again.

But anyway, all is good now.

Quick recap of the steps I took that I believe led to me getting back on track:
1) Finding a support system – I’ve recruited some girls here in my new home to work out with me. Yes, having my husband to work out with is great…but the accountability of having to show up to work out with a friend usually gets me even more since I can’t whine and complain to them like I can with my hubs! (sorry Joe!!)

2) working out in the morning when I can – this ALWAYS changes my mindset. There is something about getting it done ASAP that just puts an entirely different spin on the entire day.

3) Putting strategies in place to beat my binge triggers – My parents’ house was a tough one, but I just told myself prior to going over there that I was going to get a water as soon as I walked in instead of immediately searching their cupboards for a snack. Sometimes a small victory like that changes the way my mind responds to the trigger…and I feel empowered and don’t WANT to binge. This one still gets me and will continue to be a challenge, but I am working on it.

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On to….

HALLOWEEN!

I love making Halloween costumes!

It was a tradition my dad started when we were kids…and one that I have always said I wanted to carry on with our family.

Last year, I made my 3 month old a flower in a pot…made entirely from scratch (and cheaply I might add!):

Excuse the drool! Lol

Then this year, I decided to make her a little pig…since we already have so much pink!

I am in the process of working on the costume and this is what I have so far:

I used clothes we already had, bought some fuzzy pink yarn, pipe cleaners, felt, and used some velcro that I bought for my classroom.

(That way I don’t ruin her clothes with glue…I can just remove the velcro after Halloween!)

I never like to do just the costume, though…and like to have more to go with it…so I also made her a barn to go on her wagon:

Yes, there is a bale of hay in her wagon to go with it. She’ll ride in there and then come out for trick or treating

(at our friends’ and families’ houses!)

I just started with cardboard boxes and used the magic of scissors, hot glue, spray paint and duct tape.

Here are some in-the-works pics:

I need to add some embellishments…like straw and hay around the outside.

Maybe a stuffed farm animal or two to ride in the wagon with her.

But needless to say, I can’t wait for Halloween now!

UPDATE:

Here is the finished product:

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Intervention Needed

I’ve been MIA for quite a long time…my last post was over a month ago in fact.

Things have been good overall.

We are very happy in our new home…everyone is healthy, happy and well.

We are spending a ton of time with our families…thrilled to have them so close by and finally able to do so.

I got a new job…yes, another new job.

And this one is not a temporary maternity leave teaching position…

it is a probationary tenure-track position!

And while this new position is a blessing…it means I have now started two new classrooms up in a matter of 4 weeks.

As any teacher knows, the beginning of the year is when you face all of the stress.

And just as I was starting to get settled in my first job, I was offered the second job.

and had to start over again.

I’ve been at my new job one week and one day. So not quite settled yet, but waaay more so than last week.

Last week I was getting up at 5:15 every morning and going to bed between 12 and 1 every night.

I was wiped.

I am not sure how I put in that much effort without crashing, but I did.

My motto for the week was that there were just not enough hours in the day.

My thing is, I don’t mind working super hard for a job. In fact, I like working hard at a job I enjoy and want to do well at.

I only get stressed when I want to do more and don’t have the time to get it done, particularly when I am making full use of every hour that I have and not wasting a second.

So you can probably guess where this rant is going.

Health-wise, I am doing horribly.

I am eating badly.

I am exercising about once a week.

I am training for a half marathon in another week and a half but this past weekend, I even skipped my long training run.

Not the end of the world, you might say. Sure, except when it has been the only run I’ve been doing each week, it is kind of a big deal when I miss it.

I was doing well leading up to now, at least continuing to train, despite being noticeably weaker and slower and putting very little effort in.

My hubs and I had gradually built up to where we were running 11 miles last week. I was 100% planning on running the half on October 16th. We were going to do another 11-12 this week and then taper next weekend to about 9 miles.

But then I had my 5th meltdown in the last month on this past Sunday and cried and whined my way out of my long run.

I’m a mess.

I feel like crap.

I need help.

I feel like an addict because of the fact that I want SOOOOO badly to stop this terrible cycle of eating badly and not exercising and yet I keep making the decisions that send me in a downward spiral…day after day.

I can’t seem to get a grip on healthy living and now that my goal is to be a good role model for my daughter (and that is what is supposed to be motivating me), I am filled with deep shame that I am putting my selfishness ahead of her.

Then the shame over this makes me feel like crap…so I eat something unhealthy and comforting to feel better.

And…well, you get the idea.

I really do need help.

I hate the way I feel.

And as I try to figure out what I was doing 8 or 9 months ago when I was in a really great groove, I think back to the fact that I was blogging pretty regularly and constantly reading other people’s healthy living blogs and feeling incredibly motivated by them.

So I am reaching out…to the healthy living blogging community. And asking for help.

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So Far Behind!

Oh my gosh, I feel like I have so much to update you on!

First, my triathlon has come and gone…can you believe it??

Cause I can’t!

I feel like I was just debating whether or not to learn how to swim…

and now I am a week past completion of my very first triathlon!

I have to say that it feels very surreal since it was a goal I hadn’t ever considered even TRYING to reach…

and now I’ve actually done it!

I have to work on getting the swim and bike pictures from my friend…right now all I have are the pics from beforehand and from the run.

It was one of my proudest moments.

I can’t quite explain why…but I felt more proud after doing a sprint triathlon

(which only took me an hour and 24 minutes approximately)

than I felt after running a half marathon

(which was a task that took me 2 hours and 17 minutes!)

In addition to doing the tri last weekend,

I also moved 3,000 miles away.

Yup.

That’s all done, too!

 

Remember my fear of flying issues?

(I will be doing an update and review of the SOAR fear of flying program very soon, but let’s just say I no longer cry before I fly AND I’ve now flown twice with my daughter alone!)

Part of the program involves meeting the pilots before you fly…helps me out tremendously, but my daughter wasn’t too happy about it! haha (jk…she had just been up since 3am and had no naps in about 7 hours at this point!!!).

Anyway, after the triathlon on Saturday, my daughter and I made the 9 hour trip on Sunday from California to NY to begin our new lives.

On top of that, my hubs has had to stay in California for another 12 days longer than us, so I’ve now been without him for just over a week…which of course, stinks!

He is such an incredible pillar of support for me that sometimes it is really hard without him here to lean on.

Our new life has been busy, but awesome.

On Monday, I started a new job:

 

(Sneak peak of the classroom I’ll be taking over up above!)

School itself doesn’t start until after labor day, but I’ve spent the last week in new teacher training for the district.

It was GREAT!

I actually loved going back to work.

I missed my daughter of course, but knowing she was being watched by my mom and my sister made it soo much easier!

I can’t wait to start actually teaching in a couple of weeks.

I love kindergarten!

We will be moving into my grandfather’s house for the time being (he has been living with my parents for 2 1/2 years since my Nanny died)…

but, the house is FULL of their lives.

Chock full.

No one has been ready to take on the task of going through everything and sorting it until now.

And since I am motivated to get it cleaned out so that we can move in, my mom and I are  doing all of the work.

We’ve made a lot of progress…having a preliminary garage sale this past weekend and an advertised one this coming weekend…

Giving all of the decent furniture to other family members/relatives…

sorting through old family photos and other sentimental notes/cards, etc…

and throwing away an immeasurable amount of junk.

So my days and my nights have been jam packed!

I miss my hubs and I have moments of being overwhelmed

but overall I am loving our new life here.

I think I’ve said it somewhere before… 😉

but change is good.

 

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