Consistency Somewhere

So I had another good day. I’m not going to dissect it because sometimes that can trigger me for whatever reason…if I’m doing well. But I was happy.
One thing that has been going very well for awhile now is my exercising. Since I moved back 7 months ago, one of my friends from high school and I have been very consistent workout buddies. We workout in the morning at 5:10 everyday and we do 3 days of running (4 miles outside, even in 10 degree weather bundled up in multiple layers) and the other two days we do circuit training in my home gym in my new house.
It’s just a start, but so far we have a treadmill, some yoga mats, medicine balls, a bench and dumbbells from 5 lbs up to 25 lbs:

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We try to mix in cardio with weights for a complete body workout…and we usually end up sore (the good kind!) so we must be (hopefully) doing something right!
For example, today we did
-goblet squats
-bench press
-21’s with dumbbells
-weighted side lunges
-a great ab exercise where you extend your legs, then bring in your knees while doing a crunch while bringing a medicine ball up from behind your head (that one kills!)
-and sprints on the treadmill mixed in.

We’ve even had other girls ask to join in our workouts which is cool!
As I focus on the positives, our workout schedule/routine is definitely one of them! I have never been this consistent and it feels great.
But I am now proof positive that you can exercise a ton and still gain weight if you don’t eat the right kinds of food in the right kind of portions…so now I am off to find a balance between the two!

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Today was a Good Day

I’m feeling a little Ice Cube-ish tonight…I gotta say it was a good day.

3 meals-no snacks,
healthy choices from start to finish,
a great workout this morning,
feeling in control,
Played outside with my daughter on a beautiful and sunny afternoon,

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and my new, 5 day old nephew finally came home tonight and I got some good snuggles in!

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I’m feeling good…and happy that I have one good day under my belt…
Grateful for what I have…
One day at a time.

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Day One

Not perfect….
That’s about the only way I can describe today.
I slept through my workout
(and let’s be honest, I heard my alarm…I totally could have gotten up),
I ate five 50 calorie packs of pretzels,
I stayed up way too late last night so I was exhausted today
But today wasn’t a total bust.
I said my morning prayers and thanked god for all the great things in my life.
I got some adorable new pictures of my new nephew

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My husband told me how pretty I looked when I left for work.
No meltdowns from my kids at school.

A lot of things went well that I just don’t want to ignore.

I can focus on the small failures areas needing improvement or I can focus on the positives…and it is all up to me.

One life…I am the only one who can choose how it will be lived.
Damn that brick wall. Get out of my way.

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Diving In

I have had a tough time lately. I’ve been struggling for sure…but at the same time, things have never been better.

My husband and I bought our first house…

Three days ago, I got a new nephew:

My beautiful daughter is more adorable and lovable than ever:

I love my new job.

I have been working out 5 days a week, running 12 miles and doing 2 strength building workouts for the week.

But I am bingeing more than ever…

and I cannot figure out how/why.

 

I had today what I call a “last hurrah”…

in short, one last binge.

I go back and forth always trying to decide if a last binge is actually helpful or hurtful.

I always convince myself that I need the last hurrah…need to get it out of my system.

But part of me feels that the last hurrah is just me taking a big deep breath

before I dive in…

before I start eating healthy and being in control again…

and eventually I am going to have to  come up for air again.

And then what?

 

Deep down I know it is harmful in many ways.

I mean, it is one more binge.

It is that much more bad food going into my body.

It adds fuel to the fire as I indulge in my vice yet again.

 

I want to begin again…

for what feels like the hundredth time

and just like when I quit drinking almost 9 years ago,

as frustrated as I feel when I fail time and time again,

it’s all about trying one more time….

and I can hope and pray that maybe this time will be THE time.

 

As I go through the steps for Overeaters Anonymous in an attempt to gain control,

I realize that I actually need to give up control in order to heal.

I will once again be documenting my journey here…as I know that there are others out there who will relate to what I am going through.

And I will start by taking the time each day to acknowledge what I am truly grateful for today.

I am grateful to God for the life that I get to lead…

for this beautiful view out my window each day:

my ridiculously supportive and understanding husband who somehow does not think I’m crazy, even after watching me go through this vicious cycle time and time again,

my gorgeous daughter,

our continued health and happiness,

an extended family who would do anything for us,

a job I love,

and the good sense to keep starting over.

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Lost and Gone…but not forever

I’m still here…but I’ve been kind of lost. I find when I am most in control, I’m talking about it…in other words, blogging about it.
I love my new job.
I love my new house.
I love being close to my family again in NY.
I’ve gained 15 pounds.
So with that, I will be back.

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A Homemade Halloween…keeping the tradition alive!

The last few weeks have been full of stress and change…and I am just beginning to get settled.

The (2nd) new job is going really well and

I wasn’t sure I would like it, but turns out, I really do!

I’ve turned a corner with the eating healthy and working out…and am feeling really good.

I have to say, I think it had something to do with blogging about it…

since I started doing better right after my last post.

Maybe it is that acknowledgement that I am getting scarily close to rock bottom?

Okay, well maybe I wasn’t that bad,

but I do get flashes of myself at this weight:

and typically that really puts a scare into me…

since I know I don’t want to go back there again.

But anyway, all is good now.

Quick recap of the steps I took that I believe led to me getting back on track:
1) Finding a support system – I’ve recruited some girls here in my new home to work out with me. Yes, having my husband to work out with is great…but the accountability of having to show up to work out with a friend usually gets me even more since I can’t whine and complain to them like I can with my hubs! (sorry Joe!!)

2) working out in the morning when I can – this ALWAYS changes my mindset. There is something about getting it done ASAP that just puts an entirely different spin on the entire day.

3) Putting strategies in place to beat my binge triggers – My parents’ house was a tough one, but I just told myself prior to going over there that I was going to get a water as soon as I walked in instead of immediately searching their cupboards for a snack. Sometimes a small victory like that changes the way my mind responds to the trigger…and I feel empowered and don’t WANT to binge. This one still gets me and will continue to be a challenge, but I am working on it.

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On to….

HALLOWEEN!

I love making Halloween costumes!

It was a tradition my dad started when we were kids…and one that I have always said I wanted to carry on with our family.

Last year, I made my 3 month old a flower in a pot…made entirely from scratch (and cheaply I might add!):

Excuse the drool! Lol

Then this year, I decided to make her a little pig…since we already have so much pink!

I am in the process of working on the costume and this is what I have so far:

I used clothes we already had, bought some fuzzy pink yarn, pipe cleaners, felt, and used some velcro that I bought for my classroom.

(That way I don’t ruin her clothes with glue…I can just remove the velcro after Halloween!)

I never like to do just the costume, though…and like to have more to go with it…so I also made her a barn to go on her wagon:

Yes, there is a bale of hay in her wagon to go with it. She’ll ride in there and then come out for trick or treating

(at our friends’ and families’ houses!)

I just started with cardboard boxes and used the magic of scissors, hot glue, spray paint and duct tape.

Here are some in-the-works pics:

I need to add some embellishments…like straw and hay around the outside.

Maybe a stuffed farm animal or two to ride in the wagon with her.

But needless to say, I can’t wait for Halloween now!

UPDATE:

Here is the finished product:

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Intervention Needed

I’ve been MIA for quite a long time…my last post was over a month ago in fact.

Things have been good overall.

We are very happy in our new home…everyone is healthy, happy and well.

We are spending a ton of time with our families…thrilled to have them so close by and finally able to do so.

I got a new job…yes, another new job.

And this one is not a temporary maternity leave teaching position…

it is a probationary tenure-track position!

And while this new position is a blessing…it means I have now started two new classrooms up in a matter of 4 weeks.

As any teacher knows, the beginning of the year is when you face all of the stress.

And just as I was starting to get settled in my first job, I was offered the second job.

and had to start over again.

I’ve been at my new job one week and one day. So not quite settled yet, but waaay more so than last week.

Last week I was getting up at 5:15 every morning and going to bed between 12 and 1 every night.

I was wiped.

I am not sure how I put in that much effort without crashing, but I did.

My motto for the week was that there were just not enough hours in the day.

My thing is, I don’t mind working super hard for a job. In fact, I like working hard at a job I enjoy and want to do well at.

I only get stressed when I want to do more and don’t have the time to get it done, particularly when I am making full use of every hour that I have and not wasting a second.

So you can probably guess where this rant is going.

Health-wise, I am doing horribly.

I am eating badly.

I am exercising about once a week.

I am training for a half marathon in another week and a half but this past weekend, I even skipped my long training run.

Not the end of the world, you might say. Sure, except when it has been the only run I’ve been doing each week, it is kind of a big deal when I miss it.

I was doing well leading up to now, at least continuing to train, despite being noticeably weaker and slower and putting very little effort in.

My hubs and I had gradually built up to where we were running 11 miles last week. I was 100% planning on running the half on October 16th. We were going to do another 11-12 this week and then taper next weekend to about 9 miles.

But then I had my 5th meltdown in the last month on this past Sunday and cried and whined my way out of my long run.

I’m a mess.

I feel like crap.

I need help.

I feel like an addict because of the fact that I want SOOOOO badly to stop this terrible cycle of eating badly and not exercising and yet I keep making the decisions that send me in a downward spiral…day after day.

I can’t seem to get a grip on healthy living and now that my goal is to be a good role model for my daughter (and that is what is supposed to be motivating me), I am filled with deep shame that I am putting my selfishness ahead of her.

Then the shame over this makes me feel like crap…so I eat something unhealthy and comforting to feel better.

And…well, you get the idea.

I really do need help.

I hate the way I feel.

And as I try to figure out what I was doing 8 or 9 months ago when I was in a really great groove, I think back to the fact that I was blogging pretty regularly and constantly reading other people’s healthy living blogs and feeling incredibly motivated by them.

So I am reaching out…to the healthy living blogging community. And asking for help.

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