Tag Archives: control

Feeling Lost

It has been months since I have blogged…and I have to admit I am not even reading the blogs that much anymore.

My life has drastically changed once again…considering that I am currently 27 weeks pregnant with our second child.

I am beyond excited to meet our new little boy (yes…we are having a boy!!) and feel so incredibly blessed for all of the amazing things in our life.

However, like always, I come back to the blog when I am facing a struggle with my health and eating habits.

Stopping running for me, while some can run during their entire pregnancy, is a no-brainer. However, the decision to not run while pregnant has taken its toll.

Physically I have done really well, tracking my nutrition and calories to have a completely healthy pregnancy. I have been gaining as I should, but slowly and in a healthy way. As of about 24 weeks, I had gained approximately 10 pounds.  I was thrilled with this since I think with my daughter I gained 12-15 in the first trimester!

However, the last month, I have started to derail.

It started with some halloween candy (always in moderation at first of course) and turned into numerous (I mean NUMEROUS) major old school binge sessions.

It feels terrible and it is that out of control feeling creeping back into my life, after so many months of feeling relatively good.

I am trying to get to the bottom of it…

why I feel like I can’t get back on track

why I have tried starting over so many times only to fall (and fail) time and time again

why with my husband’s loving support, I get angry at him

why I continue to sneak food and hide from others how much I eat

why I feel this urgency to eat really fast and shovel it in before someone tells me to stop.

I don’t know.

I’m lost…for now.

But looking for answers. Looking for clarity. Looking for a TRUE fresh start.

Hopefully I find it all soon.

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Filed under Uncategorized

My Banana, My Nemesis

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It looks like an ordinary banana, but it is my enemy.
(yes, I know it’s very brown…I think they taste the best that way!!)

But this banana stares me in the face the second I put it on my desk in the morning

Until the moment I eat it.

My problem is…typically, if I have access to my food, I polish it off.
Kinda like climbing Mount Everest-
just because it’s there.

So typically if I bring a snack to school it is gone by 8am (I arrive by 7:50).

But this banana is designated as my after school snack…especially on days like today when I’m going to help out with my Girls on the Run team practice immediately after work. I know I’ll be starving when I get home at around 5 if I last ate my lunch at 11:15.

So it is definitely in my best interest not to eat it until 3:00 when I skip out to go to practice.

But it taunts me all day.

So I will consider it a victory

every day

that it is still there at 3:00.

Sounds like a small victory, but for me it’s huge.

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Filed under Dieting, Exercising

Bubble Wrap Baby

Can you picture it?

I told my husband today that I want to wrap our daughter in bubble wrap so that nothing bad can happen to her.

Weight loss, fears, parenthood…it is always something, isn’t it? Whenever you feel like you conquer one thing, something else crops up to remind you that in fact, you are not the one in charge. There is so much out of my control that the worry takes over sometimes.

I don’t talk about my fears a lot. They are not always on the surface. A lot of times, they come up when it is dark, at night, in bed or when I am faced head-on with one.

Today, I faced one head-on. And I didn’t like it one bit.

I was playing with my daughter and thought that I had accidently hurt her, badly.

I didn’t. She was fine. But in my head, it brought the reality of that happening to a forefront and I was able to envision how I would feel if I had.

And I panicked. I could tell within 10 seconds that she was 100% fine. I still panicked. If something had actually been wrong, I would have been totally useless.

I don’t want to live my life in fear. I am a relatively positive person who tries to focus on all of the amazing and incredible blessings in my life.

I have the most incredible, handsome, caring, talented, loving husband any woman could wish to have.

I have the gorgeous, smart, perfectly healthy little baby girl that I’ve always wanted.

I have family who have always been there for me and who would drop everything if I needed them.

I have health, I have happiness, I have security.

I am blessed! And I know it.

And sometimes that is the problem. I wait for the other shoe to drop.

I was never this much of a worrywart when I was miserable and fat and alone.

But now I have something to lose.

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Filed under Fears, Parenting, Uncategorized