Tag Archives: out of control

Feeling Lost

It has been months since I have blogged…and I have to admit I am not even reading the blogs that much anymore.

My life has drastically changed once again…considering that I am currently 27 weeks pregnant with our second child.

I am beyond excited to meet our new little boy (yes…we are having a boy!!) and feel so incredibly blessed for all of the amazing things in our life.

However, like always, I come back to the blog when I am facing a struggle with my health and eating habits.

Stopping running for me, while some can run during their entire pregnancy, is a no-brainer. However, the decision to not run while pregnant has taken its toll.

Physically I have done really well, tracking my nutrition and calories to have a completely healthy pregnancy. I have been gaining as I should, but slowly and in a healthy way. As of about 24 weeks, I had gained approximately 10 pounds.  I was thrilled with this since I think with my daughter I gained 12-15 in the first trimester!

However, the last month, I have started to derail.

It started with some halloween candy (always in moderation at first of course) and turned into numerous (I mean NUMEROUS) major old school binge sessions.

It feels terrible and it is that out of control feeling creeping back into my life, after so many months of feeling relatively good.

I am trying to get to the bottom of it…

why I feel like I can’t get back on track

why I have tried starting over so many times only to fall (and fail) time and time again

why with my husband’s loving support, I get angry at him

why I continue to sneak food and hide from others how much I eat

why I feel this urgency to eat really fast and shovel it in before someone tells me to stop.

I don’t know.

I’m lost…for now.

But looking for answers. Looking for clarity. Looking for a TRUE fresh start.

Hopefully I find it all soon.

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Starting Fresh – A letter to Me

Dear Self,

Do not be fooled. Just because you are doing okay right now, do not think that all is well. Do not assume that you are in the clear. Because we both know that is not true. So this is a reminder. For the good times. So you don’t forget what it feels like when you are out of control. And get lazy.

When you are out of control,

You feel like giving up…like quitting forever. You feel like a failure. How could you have lost control AGAIN? for the thousandth time? I mean, how many times can you try and fail before you are deemed a true failure? You feel like crying over the slightest thing. You sometimes feel like you don’t want to go on. You feel helpless AND hopeless. You become inpatient with those around you…especially with the man who loves you most, your husband.

and it’s not about him. He is the one that has actually given you a lot of strength, but you use him as an excuse…an excuse to cheat and have something that you know will derail you. Just like you bake, always for someone else because well, YOU can’t eat it of course…even though you KNOW that you will have to eat some of the batter; have just a taste…or 30. The little voice in the back of your head is so insightful. That voice knows what you are up to…tries to warn you…but you pretend not to hear.

In just a matter of time, it will be all over and you can’t go back. The security you feel now, eating well and taking care of yourself? well that is gone the second you ignore that voice, the one that is trying so hard to steer you in the right direction.

So many people make mistakes, nutrition wise. Eat something that they don’t realize is loaded with calories because it is tiny. Or don’t know what a serving size is of every single solitary food from memory like you do. And so that is the reason why they are not successful when dieting…they are making innocent, naive dieting mistakes. But not you…oh no. You are a veteran dieter. Been at it since about 5th grade…when you finally realized that boys already didn’t want to talk to you and became self conscious. You know all the rules, the right combinations, the equations…in order to successfully lose the weight. And yet….

something stops you.

yourself…

So I am here to remind you…not for the times when you are out of control…because, well, let’s face it…you don’t need these reminders during those moments of despair. You know these feelings all too well when you are living them and breathing them.

No, this letter is rather for the times when you are feeling strong and completely in control…because for some unknown reason, that is when you choose to self sabotage. Like a test. Like, I’m doing well. I wonder how strong I really am. Let’s see…Well guess what? That test? You fail it – EVERY. TIME.

If you bake, you will pick, pick, pick. If you get your husband something bad to eat, you know damn well it is only because you want some of it, too! And God forbid when you have children…the excuses that you will make in order to put yourself in detrimental situations and to have access to foods that are guaranteed to derail you. I don’t even want to think about it!

So don’t do it! Be stronger than yourself. Because once you cross over from IN to OUT OF CONTROL, it will be that all too familiar feeling of pain and hopelessness. You feel lonely and mean and sad and angry all at once. And you can’t cross back. It’s not that easy. It was a smooth transition for you to fall right back into those old habits…that part is intended to be simple. Isn’t that what temptation is all about?  But remember how hard it is to go from eating pizza and cookies and french fries to eating eggs, salad, and chicken. It seems like the worst idea in the world and I don’t wanna do it. Screw dieting. Screw this. Why can’t I eat what I want like so many people? Why me? Why me? WHY ME?

But guess what? Right now, you are LOVING chicken! You just had a conversation with your husband about how great the spinach greens tasted!  Last night you made your own asian salad dressing to go with your brown rice sushi and it tasted incredible. You like these foods! YOU DO NOT MISS THOSE BAD FOODS! Not satisfaction-wise anyway. You feel completely satisfied. You hear me? When you are in this place of control, you are satisfied. You are strong. You are energetic. You are kind to your husband. You are full of joy and appreciative of what you have in life. You are missing nothing.

But…this letter is a reminder…of what you value. Because for some reason, you let yourself forget. Why choose unhappiness over joy? Why choose feeling like a failure over feeling in control and successful? It is such a simple choice really. You only get one moment of bliss before the guilt sets in. Wait, screw that. It is not even one full moment of bliss as your lips take a bite or lick…because even that very first one is draped in guilt. You can’t even enjoy it because of the shame that accompanies it.

So don’t. Don’t do it. Don’t put yourself in those situations. But if you have gotten into one of those situations, listen to that voice. Don’t ignore it. It is a gift from God that you actually are self-aware enough to even attempt to stop yourself. Accept it. Listen to it.

You are worth it, this time around. And don’t let anybody you tell you different.

Remain strong. Stay where you are. Do not come back over here to this side. It is not worth it. Learn from me and my mistakes.

Do not be fooled.

Love,

Me

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